The Second Love

She was cursing herself, cursing because she fell in love for the first time, cursing because she fell in love again, cursing because she had to sacrifice one.

The oversized moon was blazing like a diamond, splattering white light all around the sky. Blistering moonlight had made black shadow less night snowy and sky was looking like a painted canvas. It seemed like nature was lighting a candle in the darkness and assuring Nitya that everything will be alright. Nitya was sitting on the floor of the terrace with her legs crossed, sharing hidden thoughts with her personal diary. The moonlight was so intense that Nitya could read each and every word inscribed in her diary clearly.

‘I didn’t want to hurt him. I was not intended to do so. I was just trying to be straightforward because I can’t do false commitments. It’s not that I don’t feel for him or like him. It’s just that I like someone else more than him. I’m in a relationship with someone else. I’m in a dilemma. I don’t know what I should do. Where should I go, with whom should I share my plight,’ she wrote.

She wanted to cry hard but held her heart tightly. However, a heart is always heart. It never listens to anyone except itself. In spite of resisting herself from crying, a tear started flowing from the corner of her eye.
She was cursing herself, cursing because she fell in love for the first time, cursing because she fell in love again, cursing because she had to sacrifice one. She couldn’t control herself and started crying hard, recalling the discussions between her and Ayush(her second love).
Nitya: ‘What if I say that you are not my first love? What if I say I can’t spend my life with you? What if I say that I can’t fulfill any of your expectations?’ she asked Ayush regretfully.
Ayush: ‘Don’t say I’m not your first love; say I’m your love because love can never be measured in quantity. Don’t say you can’t spend your life with me; say you can spend moments of your life with me because for love each moment is precious, countless and equivalent to millions of lives. Don’t say that you can’t fulfill any of my expectations because love never takes, rather it gives,’ Ayush said, with the warmth of love in his eyes.
Nitya: ‘You do not understand my situation. My priority, my love is something else right now, not you,’ she tried hard to explain.
Ayush: ‘Priorities are a part of life. It changes with time but one can never stop loving someone because of priorities. I understand your main concern and I’m ready to support you in everything. You have become my responsibility from the day I have started loving you,’ he replied, holding the girl’s cheeks tenderly.

‘I know I was doing right. It was my own decision to resist myself and not to reveal my inner being. I tried not to talk to him and to focus on my current relationship but I don’t know why I every time drop him a message. When I’m managing to control my mind and heart then why my inner being is still hunting for his text. Why it forces me to break my self-made rule. It is a big fight, bigger than a contagious disease. A deceased at least have the option to die, I don’t even have the option to depart this life. I will have to suffer from this pain daily and will have to live facing it. I wish there would be a death penalty for hurting someone; I would have surrendered myself to it. Because the guilt inside me is burning me and this is really painful,’ she wrote and tears shed from her eyes as if making her realize of their existence.

Ayush: ‘Do you love me or not?’ he asked.
Nitya: ‘I think we should not drag this topic,’ she blinded to the question.
Ayush: ‘You are running away from the situation,’ he said, holding her shoulders firmly.
Nitya: ‘I’m running toward my dreams,’ she responded with determined eyes.
Ayush: ‘This is not the solution to your problem,’ he shouted at her.
Nitya: ‘What do you want?’ she screamed at him and broke up. Ayush calmed himself down and looked into her eyes lovingly.
Ayush: ‘I want you to accept the reality. You know, your brain is saying something else and heart wanting something else,’ he asserted her.
Nitya: ‘Yes, I like you but can’t be with you,’ she looked into his eyes and accepted in a frustrating manner.
Ayush: ‘Don’t be. I understand and is ready for every good or bad decision taken by you,’ he once again touched her cheeks tenderly. Nitya gazed at him for a while. She was amazed to see the extent of love in Ayush’s heart.
He loved Nitya so much that he was ready to sacrifice anything for her dreams. He was all set to accept any upcoming challenge. She was feeling selfish and so was feeling guilty. She wanted Ayush to confront her and throw her out of his life.

‘I asked him to make a decision on whether he wants to continue with the friendship. It was my fault. I should have trusted him. He is a nice soul. He understands me completely and this is the reason I asked him to do so. I care for him. I don’t want him to feel hurt because of me. It is not even killing him but butchering me from inside. I’m feeling two pains, his and mine. I wonder how I’m still alive,’ the diary witnessed.

She closed her eyes and started recollecting Aayush’s words ‘If you don’t want to meet. Say it to my face. I will accept it and will not say anything,’ he texted.
Nitya: ‘Stop it. When did I say I don’t want to come,’ she wrote in the text.
Ayush: ‘It’s your decision and I’m ready to accept the worst,’ he replied.
Nitya: ‘I’m sorry for hurting you. I was not intended to do so,’ she texted back, after getting short with words.
Tears started coming from her eyes after reading that text. It was withering and she felt insulted but she accepted it and didn’t utter a word because the guilt inside her was more harassing than insult she had felt. In an attempt to make Ayush confront her, she had asked him to make a decision regarding his wish to continue with the friendship or not. It was her stupidity. She couldn’t realize that Ayush’s sacrifice for her was not hurting him but her words of making a choice were more painful.
She had never thought that she would be standing in the midst of this dilemma where she would have to choose between her priorities and love. She was in a relationship with her dreams. She wanted to be an IAS officer but never knew love would encounter her way in such a manner. It was no one’s fault to be there and stand in front of each other like this. It was a destiny meant to happen. Ayush was still lucky enough because he was only fighting with the pain of love but Nitya was fighting with the pain of love and guilt. It was not easy for her to choose between the two but the truth was she had to make a choice.
Ayush: ‘It’s all right. Don’t ever think like that. Just because you don’t want to be with me doesn’t mean I will finish everything. I’m ready to wait for you. I will be the happiest person to see you in the dusky uniform and I will wait for the day eagerly. Go, chase your dreams and come soon because a part of your heart is waiting for you here,’ he texted back with lots of love and kisses.

Nitya: You knew very well that, eventually, I would be focusing on my career, not on you then why did you insist me to accept the reality? she asked, confused.
Ayush: You know, love is very powerful and ignorance, at the same time, is slaughtering. Knowing that you love me gives me an immense satisfaction. It gives me power and patience to back you and be with you, and I can overcome any hurdle, but ignorance kills me from inside. It is no less than a demon who takes your life away from you and leaves you half-dead. Although away, but with you, I want to live not die.
Nitya: ‘I love you,’ she texted.
Ayush: ‘I love you too,’ he texted back.

‘I’m going today with a promise to come back one day. I will be yours then and you will be mine officially. Let’s not try to make this time right for us forcefully. We can’t force anything. Let’s go with the flow of nature. I will come back. The right will come soon and I will be yours forever,’ she wrote.

She kept the pen down and glared the moon with her watery eyes. It was looking beautiful. Its light was giving warmth and sense of security to Nitya and she recalled how she shared her dream of becoming an IAS officer with her only friend ‘Moon.’ How she stayed on the terrace for hours, dreaming herself in the dusky uniform. This big celestial giant has always made her realize that she would also dazzle like him one day, big, bright and gleaming.
Nitya wiped her tears erratically, ‘Thanks for being there for me always,’ she said to her celestial friend and went on to sleep, heading toward her first love, her dreams.